Post by bran_sinnach on Nov 18, 2006 14:45:26 GMT -5
A Pagan dies, and to his great surprise finds himself standing before a set of pearly gates. The guy in charge looks him over for a minute before asking, "Can I help you?"
"Where am I?" asks the Pagan.
"Beg your pardon?" the man in white robes asks. "You're in Heaven, of course."
"B-but I don't believe..."
"Hmmm" (squinting his eyes) "are you one of those Pagans?" the gatekeeper asks, his mouth curling in mild distaste.
"Yes, I am...and I believe I'm in the wrong place. Which way is the Summerland from here?" our Pagan friend asks.
"It's been temporarily shut down for repairs, they are putting in a new lake or mountain or something like that." The gatekeeper gave a snort of distaste, muttering 'hippies' under his breath.
"Whatever," says the Pagan, "What do I do now?"
"I'm sorry sir, but you must go to Hell. No Pagans allowed here."
"WHAT?! Hell? But I don't believe in Hell!"
"Sorry, those are the rules, now just follow the downward path to the left."
So our Pagan friend walks down to Hell, only to find the doors open. He warily goes in and looks around to see beautiful meadows and animals happily roaming the surrounding woods and fields. "Hmm, well this doesn't seem right. Did I miss a turn?"
A voice behind him made him all but jump out of his skin as it chuckled before casually asking, "Can I help you?"
"SHEESH! Give a guy a heart attack, why don't you?"
"Ahem... a little too late for that, isn't it?" the man said with a smile and arch of his brow.
"Heh, well, I suppose so. So, who are you?" our friend asks.
"Why, I'm Satan," the other one said with a slight bow and broad smile.
"Satan?!" exclaimed the Pagan as he started looking around nervously, expecting the demons to jump out at any moment.
"At your service... you're the Pagan guy Pete called us about, right?"
"Pete... oh the guy in Heaven, yes..." he said, eyeing Satan carefully. "What's gonna happen to me now?"
"Well, you can hang out if you like, there's some great fishing going on in the lake beyond these woods and, if you follow the road down this way, there's refreshments and a little market not too far and to your right. I believe the temporary Pagan meeting grounds are just behind that hill until they finish the new forest..." Satan went on.
"Are you serious...?" he finally asked. Satan grinned at him innocently.
"Why shouldn't I be?" He asked before sudden understanding filled Satan's eyes. "You don't believe the rumors, do you?"
Suddenly, as if in answer to the Pagan's growing fear, the vault of the skies opened above them with a thunderous groan. A mas of souls, plummeting through the sky, flailing in terror, their screams drowned by the opening of a yawning chasm full of fire and brimstone. The stench of sulfur thickened the air. Thousands of howling, suffering, tortured voices echoed through Hell from the pit. When the last screaming soul finally fell in, the ground slammed shut with a sickening crunch that rattled the earth.
Our Pagan friend all but soiled his undies as he yelped in terror. "And what was THAT all about?"
Satan only rolled his eyes,making a dismissive gesture with his hand as he said with a distasteful grimace. "Oh, just ignore that..." He sighed then, giving a slow shake of his head as he looked to where the pit had been. "My Christian guests refuse to have it any other way!"
"Where am I?" asks the Pagan.
"Beg your pardon?" the man in white robes asks. "You're in Heaven, of course."
"B-but I don't believe..."
"Hmmm" (squinting his eyes) "are you one of those Pagans?" the gatekeeper asks, his mouth curling in mild distaste.
"Yes, I am...and I believe I'm in the wrong place. Which way is the Summerland from here?" our Pagan friend asks.
"It's been temporarily shut down for repairs, they are putting in a new lake or mountain or something like that." The gatekeeper gave a snort of distaste, muttering 'hippies' under his breath.
"Whatever," says the Pagan, "What do I do now?"
"I'm sorry sir, but you must go to Hell. No Pagans allowed here."
"WHAT?! Hell? But I don't believe in Hell!"
"Sorry, those are the rules, now just follow the downward path to the left."
So our Pagan friend walks down to Hell, only to find the doors open. He warily goes in and looks around to see beautiful meadows and animals happily roaming the surrounding woods and fields. "Hmm, well this doesn't seem right. Did I miss a turn?"
A voice behind him made him all but jump out of his skin as it chuckled before casually asking, "Can I help you?"
"SHEESH! Give a guy a heart attack, why don't you?"
"Ahem... a little too late for that, isn't it?" the man said with a smile and arch of his brow.
"Heh, well, I suppose so. So, who are you?" our friend asks.
"Why, I'm Satan," the other one said with a slight bow and broad smile.
"Satan?!" exclaimed the Pagan as he started looking around nervously, expecting the demons to jump out at any moment.
"At your service... you're the Pagan guy Pete called us about, right?"
"Pete... oh the guy in Heaven, yes..." he said, eyeing Satan carefully. "What's gonna happen to me now?"
"Well, you can hang out if you like, there's some great fishing going on in the lake beyond these woods and, if you follow the road down this way, there's refreshments and a little market not too far and to your right. I believe the temporary Pagan meeting grounds are just behind that hill until they finish the new forest..." Satan went on.
"Are you serious...?" he finally asked. Satan grinned at him innocently.
"Why shouldn't I be?" He asked before sudden understanding filled Satan's eyes. "You don't believe the rumors, do you?"
Suddenly, as if in answer to the Pagan's growing fear, the vault of the skies opened above them with a thunderous groan. A mas of souls, plummeting through the sky, flailing in terror, their screams drowned by the opening of a yawning chasm full of fire and brimstone. The stench of sulfur thickened the air. Thousands of howling, suffering, tortured voices echoed through Hell from the pit. When the last screaming soul finally fell in, the ground slammed shut with a sickening crunch that rattled the earth.
Our Pagan friend all but soiled his undies as he yelped in terror. "And what was THAT all about?"
Satan only rolled his eyes,making a dismissive gesture with his hand as he said with a distasteful grimace. "Oh, just ignore that..." He sighed then, giving a slow shake of his head as he looked to where the pit had been. "My Christian guests refuse to have it any other way!"