Post by tanath on Feb 3, 2007 21:54:55 GMT -5
why can't i just say what i want to say? why is it so hard to make the first move? why can't i seem to have the guts to put myself out there? why. why. why. why. why. why can't i stop being such a whiny little snot? GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!
i know, no one has a clue what's going on. i'll fill you in. i'm in love. wow, just typing that out makes it more real. it makes it more true. it's funny hwo that works. i'm in love. that's the only thing it could be. i'm in love with amanda.
that doesn't make it any easier. that just gives me more to lose. what if she doesn't feel the same way? could i handle that? i'd have to. it would be the only option. she means too much to me to lose her. what if she does feel the same way? everything will change. could WE handle that? could our friendship survive a relationship? could a relationship move past our friendship? could amanda get past the fact that i'm a girl?
there are too many questions. there are no answers. why aren't there any answers? why can't i figure this out on my own? why can't i just close my eyes and jump? all the signs say that she feels the same way, or at least similarly. why do i have to overthink things? why can't i just give into the feelings at least once? just lean in and kiss her. she's reject me. that's the worst thing that could happen. she could be disgusted and it would ruin our friendship. i don't think she would though. so why do i hesitate? i'm afraid. it all comes back to that. i'm afraid.
i've never felt this way before. i've never made the first move. i've never put my heart on the line. i've never been invested in a relationship. i never had to be. they were guys. they were safe. my heart was safe. you can't get hurt if you don't care enough to give your heart.
i didn't even realize i WAS giving my heart to amanda. it happened so fast. or was it slow? i don't know. it just happened when i wasn't looking. she went from being my friend to being more than that. she's my amanda. i love her more than i've ever loved someone. she means more to me than anyone has since i was little. back when i loved with my whole heart or not at all. back when i was heartbroken over a dead goldfish. back before i learned to close myself off to protect myself. back before i learned that people can be cruel.
i want to go back to then. i need to find someway back there. i need to find that little girl. the one who wrapped herself around someone's legs to keep them from leaving. the one who trusted that everything would always be good and happy and bright. the one who felt everything so intensely and never tried to hide from those feelings. the little girl who grew up and got hurt and cried and learned that in order to survive she had to grow a thicker skin and hide what she felt. the little girl who learned that people will use the one thing you love against you to cause you pain. i need to find that little girl. i need to help her see that it's ok to love. i need to help her heal so i can let myself love like she did.
i need to tell amanda i love her and have her know i mean with my whole heart.
i know, no one has a clue what's going on. i'll fill you in. i'm in love. wow, just typing that out makes it more real. it makes it more true. it's funny hwo that works. i'm in love. that's the only thing it could be. i'm in love with amanda.
that doesn't make it any easier. that just gives me more to lose. what if she doesn't feel the same way? could i handle that? i'd have to. it would be the only option. she means too much to me to lose her. what if she does feel the same way? everything will change. could WE handle that? could our friendship survive a relationship? could a relationship move past our friendship? could amanda get past the fact that i'm a girl?
there are too many questions. there are no answers. why aren't there any answers? why can't i figure this out on my own? why can't i just close my eyes and jump? all the signs say that she feels the same way, or at least similarly. why do i have to overthink things? why can't i just give into the feelings at least once? just lean in and kiss her. she's reject me. that's the worst thing that could happen. she could be disgusted and it would ruin our friendship. i don't think she would though. so why do i hesitate? i'm afraid. it all comes back to that. i'm afraid.
i've never felt this way before. i've never made the first move. i've never put my heart on the line. i've never been invested in a relationship. i never had to be. they were guys. they were safe. my heart was safe. you can't get hurt if you don't care enough to give your heart.
i didn't even realize i WAS giving my heart to amanda. it happened so fast. or was it slow? i don't know. it just happened when i wasn't looking. she went from being my friend to being more than that. she's my amanda. i love her more than i've ever loved someone. she means more to me than anyone has since i was little. back when i loved with my whole heart or not at all. back when i was heartbroken over a dead goldfish. back before i learned to close myself off to protect myself. back before i learned that people can be cruel.
i want to go back to then. i need to find someway back there. i need to find that little girl. the one who wrapped herself around someone's legs to keep them from leaving. the one who trusted that everything would always be good and happy and bright. the one who felt everything so intensely and never tried to hide from those feelings. the little girl who grew up and got hurt and cried and learned that in order to survive she had to grow a thicker skin and hide what she felt. the little girl who learned that people will use the one thing you love against you to cause you pain. i need to find that little girl. i need to help her see that it's ok to love. i need to help her heal so i can let myself love like she did.
i need to tell amanda i love her and have her know i mean with my whole heart.